This is a journey of finding myself in connection to something very ‘natural’ that has been waiting inside of me. I recognize it when it is revealed by a sense of joy, a lightness of being. On this page I'm going to describe how this 'natural' being is emerging from acknowledging places where I feel broken. The pain from that has been my honing device for finding where I have have lost touch with myself. There are many techniques that work with this principle. However it is the Human Design information that has allowed me to see the big picture for my unfolding purpose in a way that is truly simple and ordinary. Its about surrendering to the mechanics of my design and finding myself enjoying the journey.
We are born as a Witnessing Consciousness
Every baby is born as a witnessing being; this is the nature of passenger consciousness. In the beginning there is no ‘personality development’ with speech capacity to put words around experience. In the way society is currently organized with the 7 centered emphasis on the power of the mind, the child/baby get’s conditioned by learning from the external modeling (usually by the parents) for how to ‘behave’ in the world.
Most parents realize their child is not just a clean slate taking in an outside imprint, yet to truly support the internal process of a child the map from a Human Design chart is essential.
The chart can precisely differentiate what is truly reliable in the nature of a child, it does not have to be amorphous and generalized support anymore. Without the specific holding to anchor them in their nature, the developing mind will collude with the conditioning because there is a sense that something is wrong with the inconsistent areas. This is how the ‘not-self’ gets created from the inside, the style of the not-self is shaped by the outside societal values.
General Frame of Spirit Breakage I experience this long ago lack of holding for the differentiated mechanics of the vehicle I am traveling in, as spirit breakage. I lost connection (the result of nothing more than simple ignorance) with something essential about how I am here to live my design. In many ways that felt like abandonment by ‘God’, though this is not a reference to a belief that someone up there cares, so much as the terrible bemused pain that the connection to something essentially real inside me did not seem to be wanted.
Being a projector type was something I knew nothing about until late in life (age 47). I use the term ‘spirit breakage’ because it has been part of my deconditioning process to recognize a certain ‘angst’ inside me as a place where I feel broken. It is subtle, not a black and white issue, it can be there even amongst some rich well being. For myself I have come to recognize this as the ‘wound of type’.
These are generalized descriptions from my perception of the wound of type. Projector wound concerns not knowing the true value of being a non-energy type. The Generator wound concerns a despair about being given instructions as though they were a slave, for the Manifestor it is that their wild uncontrollability is unacceptable, and for the Reflector the wound is all about the pressure to be more ‘normal’.
Mechanics Reveal what Psychology Misses Intellectually I know that we are each designed to be uniquely precious parts of a larger whole. I was lucky to have very caring parents, yet I ended up mistakenly feeling something was wrong with me, simply because I’m a non-energy type. My first seven years with Human Design were a journey to discover that this wound even existed. I was blissfully in denial of it for most of my life, even though I had done plenty of emotional release homework. I needed to know it’s name before I could find it.
spirit breakage It was
a meeting with Breast Cancer when I was 49 years old that caught my attention
to be more real about the health of my spirit. It has been my journeying into
where my spirit is tied up in conditioning rather than uniqueness that has been
my ongoing path to supporting the health of my body.
I find my
deepest wound as a Projector is a concern about whether people will want to
exchange energy for the sharing of my guidance. It seems quite tame to write
that because my ‘adult self’ doesn’t think like that. However when I’m very
tired and my inner demons surface more easily, I find it lurking in self
judgments which tell me ‘I should be more substantial as person’. In fact it is
the habitual denial in my mind, ‘that I don’t want or need anything from anyone’,
that has alerted me to the cover-up.
At this point
I find myself able to turn and compassionately acknowledge that something
deeply hurts about my Projector type’s dependency on others for energy. The
magic seems to be in finally seeing the wound, from that I find the wound is
healing. Intellectually I know it is a misunderstanding, yet the journey seems
to involve being present to my child self’s mistaken thinking. I had plenty of
parental love but not a specific message that the gift of being a Projector
involves the ability to understand energy because we don’t have reliable access
to it, with the trade-off being, that we always be given energy for the
value of what we see about energy.
This is tricky
to talk about, because in the everyday use of the word ‘energy’ of course I
have it, I’d be dead otherwise. The Mechanics involved in type differentiation,
is speaking a different language and using the word in the very specific
context of how evolution has brought us an underlying organizing principle around
the four types of designs.
It is a revelation to me to find that parenting myself to be present to this mistaken sense of brokenness can be so liberating. (I happen to be a
projector with no defined energy centers, there are ‘energy’ projectors,
however we all share the type mechanic that we can actualize and co-habit with
the other types through an exchange of guidance in return for being given
actualizing energy - money, appreciation, attention, recognition).
I do sense a
clear unburdening of my spirit going on the more I settle into being who I’m
designed to be.